“Fairy Tales, Reality Fails” Revisited

Right around the time fairy tale-reading ended, my envy of the Spice Girls began. I wanted to sing, I wanted to dance.

By middle school I realized singing and dancing for life was like reaching for the stars and, let’s face it, the stars are far away. But all options had not been exhausted. I always had an argument, so my family told me I’d make a good lawyer.  Lawyers make good money. I wanted nice things. That added up.

By high school I realized how little I wanted to do with the government and how much I did not want to be like “Dear person, I give you legal aid, you give me a million dollars. Those years I took thousands of photographs, some of them pretty good :] and it brought me immense joy. So the next logical step in my feeling out life paths would be photography, right?

But I didn’t follow my bliss. In 11th grade when we researched careers my fear of making zilch as a photographer was confirmed. I grew up thinking there was no option besides college because my parents didn’t want me to end up struggling financially. I liked helping people and making a positive difference so I settled for psychology. I was excited but after studying it for two years my feelings about it changed.

Early on this semester I realized how unhappy I was with my life. At the same time, I didn’t know where I wanted to be. I had a breakdown of sorts and decided to take some time off school. I thought maybe if I took a break I’d find some answers. Unsurprisingly, by the time the weekend was over I decided to stick school out to the end. And then good news came: I met with my advisor to schedule for the spring semester and found out I can graduate after doing an internship next summer (2011). This made me feel a little better; at least now I know I’ll be done with this stage of my life soon. I feel like I’ve grown as much as I can here and thus feel stuck – like I can’t move on to anything new, try to figure out what I actually want to do because I’m here in this small unprogressive town working toward a degree in something I don’t exactly care about. (But at least I’ll have a degree, I guess, haha.)

Another thing I struggle with is not having any hobbies, and I feel like I don’t have much of an opportunity to develop those right now either. I still love photography but after starting Photo I, I know I’m not ready to do everything it takes to develop all the skills I would need to be a professional photographer. I want to dance and make my own jewelry and other various things and develop some food skills. Next semester I’m taking piano and I’m really excited about that because I’ve always wanted to learn how to play :] I’m nervous because next semester will be busy but I need to do something enjoyable to stay sane. As far as my internship goes, I was thinking I would do it with the National Organization for Women because for, like, a year now I’ve been a pretty big feminist. But I’m hesitant because of how angry I get with people who don’t understand feminism and I don’t know how to verbalize my frustrations in the most rational way. Sooo maybe I’ll work with a yoga instructor. Random, right? Well, I don’t know what I want to do so it’s probably guna end up being random either way. Yoga is peaceful and healthy.

The unknown isn’t always a fun place to be. But it can be exciting. At least everything wasn’t decided for me. I know it won’t be like this forever so I’m trying to make the best of it. Even though I’m struggling, my situation could be worse for sure. I have a roof over my head, food in my belly, a smile on my face, and love in my heart.  I appreciate Aaron for always reminding me that I’ll get through this and for sticking through it with me, because I don’t always deal well.

I know I’m not the only one in this boat right now. All of our boats are different so we should go sailing together and share stories. Our words would make a nice colorful design on the water. We could swim with dolphins and when the sun sets, dry off by a fire on the shore. And roast yummy marshmallows, or just decorate them with icing and sprinkles, which would be pretty and = lots of sugar, which = sweetness. And even though the stars are far away, if we all worked together I bet we could reach them :]

I’ll post more about the progression of my life as it unfolds.

PS. I like Hello Kitty ❤


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2 responses to ““Fairy Tales, Reality Fails” Revisited

  1. I’m so glad I stumbled upon your post. I’m kinda in the same boat. I went to college as a writing major but my true love is photography. I’m looking for any way I can turn it into a career so I can stop pretending what I’m doing is what I want.

  2. Thanks for this post Ashley. Best of luck with all of your aspirations!

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